03/13/06

It seems that when I do something for him, it’s not good enough. I got him something he wanted today but it wasn’t the one he had in mind, it wasn’t the brand he liked, it was cheaper than the one he wanted, it just wasn’t good enough. So I told him “Well I’m not going to use it, so I might as well throw it away,” He was taken aback, it was something him and I were going to use together, something we had both been excited about few days earlier, he finally took it.
I’ve had to change a few things for him, my page, the way I act around someone, I have to hide things, I cannot say his name for the fear that he might loose something he treasures and hold dear to himself, eventually that will change, but for the time being I have to keep quite, I have to pretend, I have to pretend like there is nothing between him and I. It hurts.
I tried hard to explain why it hurt me, why it made me cry, he told me to brush it off, he told me to look at things in a new perspective, to think, that it’s blind to the truth, so it wouldn’t get hurt. I cannot give a gender, I cannot give it a name, I cannot say if it is human, I cannot say anything about it, but for the time being it is a thing in my life that has caused me stress.
I truly love him, he doesn’t seem to like those words, too strong for the amount of time I’ve known him, I’ve been there, and promised him things that I normally wouldn’t of if I didn’t care, if I didn’t love. That’s all I’ll say about that.

Becki, I saw her today in photo class, I miss her so much, she gave me a picture in the beginning of the year, and on the back of it she told me a lie, of course she didn’t know it would be one then. “I see us being friends past high school, love Becki.” You obviously don’t have very good foresight Becki, because that all changed, when a stupid thing called money got in the way for you, I told you I would get the stupid bloody $30 to you and I did, it was just late, but you still don’t talk, you still never call, and when I see you, you look right through me like I wasn’t even there. I should be used to this by now, it has happened to me since I was little, and I guess it will keep on happing no matter what age I am, no matter the year, no matter the situation, I’ll live with this curse of lost friendships.

Two people I love dearly, one person whom I will keep on loving, the other might get lost in a swirl of anger, unless they do something about it.
Males and Females, they are all alike, it’s jut the way they look in which they are different and don’t tell me otherwise.

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{.Beth L. Specken.}